Gaslighting: el abuso emocional más sutil (2022)

¿Alguna vez te han dicho estas frases en respuesta a una queja?: "tú estás loco/a", "eso nunca pasó", "eres muy sensible", etc.

Si es así, puede ser que estén usando la técnica de "gaslighting" para confundirte. En este artículo encontrarás un resumen acerca de lo que es este fenómeno y cómo puede servir para mantener en funcionamiento relaciones dañinas.

  • Artículo relacionado: "Los 8 tipos de manipuladores: ¿cómo actúa cada uno?"

¿En qué consiste el Gaslighting?

"Gaslighting" es un patrón de abuso emocional en la que la víctima es manipulada para que llegue a dudar de su propia percepción, juicio o memoria. Esto hace que la persona se sienta ansiosa, confundida o incluso depresiva.

Este término, que realmente no tiene traducción al español, viene de la película clásica de Hollywood llamada "Gaslight", en la que un hombre manipula a su mujer para que crea que está loca y así robar su fortuna escondida. Él esconde objetos (cuadros, joyas) haciéndole creer a su esposa que ella ha sido la responsable, aunque no se acuerde. También atenúa la luz de gas (no había electricidad) y le hace creer que el fuego sigue brillando en la misma intensidad que antes.

Gaslighting: el abuso emocional más sutil (1)

Por supuesto, eso hace que la protagonista sienta que se está volviendo loca, no quiera salir de la casa, se encuentre ansiosa y llore continuamente. El esposo le advierte que dejará la relación, y la amenaza con mandarla a un doctor para que la medique o recluya. Por supuesto, el abusador sabe muy bien lo que está haciendo y casi consigue su cometido si no fuera por un investigador que descifra la situación y desenmascara al ladrón.

  • Artículo relacionado: "Las personas manipuladoras tienen estos 5 rasgos en común"

Las características de este tipo de engaño

Aunque ésta película nos presenta un caso extremo, esta técnica de manipulación es utilizada consciente o inconscientemente en las relaciones.

(Video) Gaslighting: el abuso emocional más sutil

Veamos algunos escenarios. Por ejemplo, tú puedes decir:

"Cuando dijiste eso me dañaste" y el abusador dice "yo nunca dije eso, te lo estás imaginando" y ahí planta la semilla de la duda.

También podría darse de esta forma:

"Cuando hiciste eso me sentí muy mal", a lo que el abusador responde "tú eres muy sensible, era un chiste solamente". Trata de persuadirnos para que creamos que ha sido cuestión de un error de percepción propio.

Del mismo modo, puede ser que pelees y te defiendas pero sigas obteniendo las mismas palabras: "Eres exagerado/a", "estás haciendo una tormenta en un vaso de agua" o "estás delirando" etc. por lo que en vez de seguir confrontando o alejarte, permites que surja la duda en tu interior en un intento de favorecer la relación y buscar la aprobación de tu pareja o familiar.

Este tipo de manipulación es muy sutil pero peligrosa, ya que lleva a continuar relaciones tóxicas, a creer que realmente hay algo malo en nosotros, a ser inseguros y a depender de la opinión de otros. También nos puede alejar de nuestros seres queridos por temor a que nos confronten sobre tu relación.

(Video) Gaslighting; el abuso emocional más sutil

  • Quizás te interese: "El chantaje emocional: una poderosa forma de manipulación en la pareja"

Posibles efectos

Estos son los principales efectos psicológicos del gaslighting a medio y largo plazo, y que llevan a la víctima a asumir que carece de criterio para tomar decisiones por sí misma.

1. Dudas sobre la capacidad para recordar bien

El gaslighting hace que la víctima dude sobre le funcionamiento de su memoria, dado que la persona manipuladora la convence de que recuerda cosas que no ocurrieron y de que no recuerda cosas que tampoco han tenido lugar pero dejan en mejor lugar a quien está intentando manipular al otro.

2. Dudas sobre el propio raciocinio

Esto lleva a la víctima a no confiar en su capacidad para razonar y tomar decisiones, por lo que busca ayuda en el criterio de los demás, y sobre todo en la persona manipuladora, que le hace ver sus supuestos errores. Por ello, la víctima de este tipo de manipulación psicológica asume que no solo no sabe interpretar bien lo que ve u oye, sino que además no es capaz de sacar conclusiones acertadas a partir de premisas.

3. Dudas relacionadas con la propia salud mental

En los casos extremos, la víctima asume que tiene un trastorno psicológico que explicaría sus reacciones emocionales poco adecuadas, o sus maneras de pensar alejadas de la realidad. Esto hace que, de manera sistemática, la víctima de gaslighting desconfíe de sí misma y confíe más en la otra persona, incluso como una reacción de miedo a quedarse solo/a bajo la influencia de la psicopatología.

4. Bajada del nivel de autoestima

Todo lo anterior se plasma en un bajo nivel de autoestima en general. Es decir, la persona deja de centrarse en los supuestos defectos específicos que quien la está manipulando ha criticado, y da por sentado que, en general, "no sirve para nada". El malestar que siente al pensar en su "Yo" hace que tienda al pesimismo al prever hasta qué punto será capaz de lograr cualquier cosa que se proponga, ya que en muchos casos, las emociones van por delante de la razón.

Esto, en la práctica, conduce a que la víctima de gaslighting adopte un rol de sumisión en la relación y deje que la otra persona tome todas las decisiones por ella. Este es uno de los principales incentivos para que quien está manipulándola psicológicamente siga haciéndolo; tal asimetría de poder entre ambos hace que se entre en un círculo vicioso que es complicado romper.

(Video) "GASLIGHTING" EL ABUSO EMOCIONAL SUTIL: CÓMO DEFENDERSE!!

Cómo darse cuenta del Gaslighting

Estas son 10 señales para saber si estamos siendo "Gaslighteados" (información recogida de psicóloga Robin Stern, autora del libro The gaslighting effect).

  1. Te cuestionas tus ideas o acciones constantemente.
  2. Te preguntas si eres demasiado sensible muchas veces al día.
  3. Siempre te estás disculpando: a tu padres, a la pareja, al jefe.
  4. Te preguntas por qué no eres feliz, si aparentemente están pasando tantas cosas buenas en tu vida.
  5. Constantemente ofreces excusas a tus familiares o amigos por el comportamiento de tu pareja.
  6. Te ves a ti mismo reteniendo u ocultando información para no tener que explicar o dar excusas a parejas o amigos.
  7. Empiezas a mentir para evitar que te cambien de realidad.
  8. Te cuesta tomar decisiones, incluso aquellas simples.
  9. Sientes que no puedes hacer nada bien.
  10. Te preguntas si estás siendo lo suficientemente buena hija/amiga/empleada/novio/a constantemente.

¿Qué puedes hacer?

Por muy sutil que sea este tipo de manipulación, no estamos indefensos ante él. Existen maneras de afrontar este tipo de ataques, a no ser que ya exista un fuerte precedente de abusos y no podamos afrontar la situación manteniendo un mínimo de serenidad.

Para actuar ante casos de Gaslighting, puedes seguir estas pautas:

1. Confía en tu intuición

Si sientes que algo no está bien, ponle atención a eso y examina qué partes no cuadran. A la hora de analizar las propias vivencias, nuestra experiencia cuenta más que la del resto.

Además, la comunicación no es un juego en el que hay que esforzarse por entender todo lo que dicen los demás. En una pareja, si no se ha comprendido un mensaje, la responsabilidad muchas veces es compartida (siempre que le hayamos prestado atención).

2. No busques la aprobación

Resiste la tentación de convencer al otro para obtener aprobación, en vez de eso puedes decir "Estamos en desacuerdo" o "Pensé en lo que me dijiste pero no lo siento verdad para mi" o "Escucho lo que dices, pero mi realidad es muy distinta a la tuya". Eres perfectamente libre de poner fin a una conversación.

(Video) Gaslighting: una forma sutil de manipulación y abuso emocional - podcast #39

Esto solo es recomendable en casos de Gaslighting, ya que en cualquier otro contexto, como en una discusión en la que los argumentos de la otra persona son sólidos, puede convertirse en una excusa para no admitir que no tienes razón y, en definitiva, en una herramienta de la disonancia cognitiva.

3. Recuerda tu soberanía sobre los propios pensamientos

Recuerda que las emociones no son ni buenas ni malas, y nadie te puede decir si lo que sientes es cierto o no. Si tú dices "eso me hizo sentir criticado" o "me sentí triste por lo que hiciste" no lo estás sometiendo a debate. A fin de cuentas, si sientes que te humillan o te dañan psicológicamente, solo tú sientes eso; lo que experimentas no está sujeto a discusión.

No te disculpes por sentir, lo que sí debes evitar es agredir, manipular o actuar de forma dañina.

4. Sé consciente de tus valores

¿Por qué valores quieres ser que te recuerden? Crea una lista de valores personales. Por ejemplo, "pasar tiempo de calidad con mis seres queridos", "cumplir las promesas", "ser generoso/compasivo", "decir la verdad ", "viajar", "tener la mente abierta", "mantener la espiritualidad". Eso te ayudará a mantenerte centrado y saber también qué valoras de los demás.

De algún modo, los valores actúan como la columna vertebral de nuestro comportamiento. Pase lo que pase, lo que digan o hagan los demás o no nos debe obligar a ir en contra de ellos. El momento en el que alguien nos presione para violar estos principios básicos, sabremos que se nos está intentando manipular.

5. Mantén tus límites personales

Si alguien los traspasa, hazlo saber y plantea una consecuencia. Por ejemplo, si te gritan o abusan verbalmente de ti, puedes decir "no me siento cómodo con lo que dijiste, me parece una falta de respeto y no lo pienso dejar pasar". Mantente firme.

(Video) GASLIGHTING | El abuso emocional sutil

Si se repite, hazlo saber de nuevo y dependiendo de la relación, busca un diálogo sincero en donde ambos se comprometan a no volverlo a hacer o aléjate.

Si la persona no se hace responsable de sus faltas y continúa "gaslighteándote" pregúntate si deseas continuar la relación o la frecuencia de las visitas en caso de familiares o amigos. Trabajar la propia asertividad es indispensable para hacer valer los propios intereses con dignidad.

6. Mantén una vida social rica

Otra estrategia útil para combatir el gaslighting es asegurarnos de que seguimos teniendo una vida social activa y diversa, es decir, que nos relacionamos frecuentemente y de manera significativa con personas importantes para nosotros. De este modo, contamos con varias opiniones acerca de lo que ocurre en nuestras vidas y cada punto de vista contrarresta a los demás, algo que ayuda a detectar los intentos de manipulación por basarse en creencias e ideas muy distintas al modo de pensar y de percibir las cosas de la mayoría.

FAQs

What is example of gaslighting? ›

Gaslighting happens when an abuser tries to control a victim by twisting their sense of reality. An example of gaslighting would be a partner doing something abusive and then denying it happened. Gaslighters may also convince their victims that they're mentally unfit or too sensitive.

What gaslighting means? ›

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which the abuser attempts to sow self-doubt and confusion in their victim's mind. Typically, gaslighters are seeking to gain power and control over the other person, by distorting reality and forcing them to question their own judgment and intuition.

What is gaslighting in a relationship? ›

In this Article

Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse in relationships. It happens when one person convinces their target that they're remembering things wrong or that they're misinterpreting events. The gaslighter is trying to manipulate the other person and presents their own thoughts and feelings as the truth.

Why is it called gaslighting? ›

The term “gaslighting” actually comes from a 1938 play, “Gas Light” (which was turned into a more widely known movie in 1944, “Gaslight”), where a husband manipulates his wife to make her think she's actually losing her sense of reality so he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance.

What is another word for gaslighting? ›

What is another word for gaslighting?
manipulatingtricking
deceivingduping
finaglingfooling
hoodwinkingmisleading
swindlingbamboozling
19 more rows

What are the 11 signs of gaslighting? ›

👓 11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting | Psychology Today
  • They tell blatant lies.
  • They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.
  • They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.
  • They wear you down over time.
  • Their actions do not match their words.
  • They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.
4 Oct 2018

How does gaslighting start? ›

In relationships, gaslighting often begins gradually. The abusive person gains their partner's trust, sometimes with an initial “honeymoon period” in which there is no abusive behavior. Then the person begins suggesting that their partner is not reliable, that they are forgetful, or that they are mentally unstable.

What comes after gaslighting? ›

The most devastating forms of gaslighting is when it occurs in a relationship between a couple. Some of the repercussions from this are leading to a person developing mental health concerns, such as posttraumatic stress and a low self-esteem which can lead to depression.

How do you destroy a gaslighter? ›

The best way to destroy a gaslighter is to appear emotionless. They enjoy getting a rise out of you, so it's frustrating to them when they don't get the reaction they expected. When they realize you don't care anymore, they will likely try convincing you they'll change, but don't fall for it.

Can a gaslighter love you? ›

Gaslighters love to wield your love and affection for them as a weapon against you and will use this phrase to excuse a wide variety of bad behaviors, Stern says. But the bottom line is that you can love someone and be upset about something they did at the same time.

What are signs of gaslighting? ›

Signs of gaslighting
  • insist you said or did things you know you didn't do.
  • deny or scoff at your recollection of events.
  • call you “too sensitive” or “crazy” when you express your needs or concerns.
  • express doubts to others about your feelings, behavior, and state of mind.
  • twisting or retelling events to shift blame to you.

How do friends gaslight you? ›

Gaslighting friends enjoy conflict and often rile people against one another. Often, this motive comes from a place of profound jealousy. This friend may instigate rumors just to see how people respond. They often hope that others will be “grateful” for their truth.

What does a gaslighter want? ›

Gaslighting is a psychological manipulation that causes people to lose their sense of identity, perception, and worth. Gaslighting aims to make the victim question their reality and feel like they are going crazy.

Why do people gaslight? ›

“There are two main reasons why a gaslighter behaves as they do,” Sarkis explains. “It is either a planned effort to gain control and power over another person, or it because someone was raised by a parent or parents who were gaslighters, and they learned these behaviors as a survival mechanism.”

Is it gaslighting to say I'm sorry you feel that way? ›

The “I'm sorry you feel that way” approach, along with avoiding an argument in lieu of admitting fault, is good old fashioned gaslighting.

Why do men gaslight? ›

One of the most common reasons people gaslight is to gain power over others. This need for domination may stem from narcissism, antisocial personality, or other issues. Like most cases of abuse, gaslighting is about control. As gaslighting progresses, the target often second-guesses their own memories and thoughts.

What are gaslighting techniques? ›

Gaslighting is a slow form of brainwashing that makes a victim question their reality. Typical gaslighting techniques include denying something when there's proof, projecting onto others, and telling blatant lies.

What is gaslighting and how do you deal with it? ›

Gaslighting is when someone makes another person think that they are “crazy” or delusional. Tips for dealing with gaslighting include collecting proof, storing it somewhere safe, and confiding in trusted friends or family.

How do narcissists use gaslighting? ›

Narcissistic gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that involves intentionally manipulating or distorting the truth to instill self-doubt in someone. Gaslighting is a form of narcissistic abuse that involves tactics that cause a person to question their sanity and doubt their perception of reality.

Is gaslighting a crime? ›

Yes. Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse which is why it was made a criminal offence.

How do you Gas Light a guy? ›

Gaslighting: How to Drive Someone Crazy
  1. Find a target. ...
  2. Charm the target. ...
  3. Push the boundaries. ...
  4. Gives surprise gifts. ...
  5. Isolates from others. ...
  6. Makes subtle statements. ...
  7. Projects suspicions onto the victim. ...
  8. Plants seeds of imagination.
12 Aug 2017

Is gaslighting always intentional? ›

Sometimes gaslighting happens unintentionally – perhaps because of someone's desire to deflect responsibility for a mistake. But some people engage in it intentionally and regularly, and that's when it can have an especially toxic effect.

What are three red flags in a relationship? ›

13 red flags in a relationship to look out for
  • Overly controlling behavior. Overly controlling behavior is a common red flag. ...
  • Lack of trust. ...
  • Feeling low self-esteem. ...
  • Physical, emotional, or mental abuse. ...
  • Substance abuse. ...
  • Narcissism. ...
  • Anger management issues. ...
  • Codependency.
1 Feb 2022

Can a relationship heal from gaslighting? ›

Luckily, Kelley emphasizes that recovery from gaslighting is absolutely possible. “Practicing self-compassion and patience is essential, as the healing process can take time,” she notes. The tactics used by a gaslighter are meant to deconstruct the victim's sense of self, and it can take time to rebuild and repair.

Is gaslighting a red flag? ›

And often, gaslighting involves a number of these different behaviours. Everyone gets anxious and stressed from time to time. But if you're feeling constantly worried and upset in your relationship, it could be a major red flag.

Can gaslighting be positive? ›

Brightsiding is a subcategory of gaslighting, which you probably know about by now. Often toxically positive and well-meaning attempt to offer comfort, it's the phenomena where someone insists that, no matter your situation, you look for some kind of positive.

How serious is gaslighting? ›

Gaslighting is an abusive practice that causes someone to distrust themselves or to believe they have a mental illness. The long-term effects of gaslighting may include anxiety, depression, trauma, and low self-esteem. Gaslighting often appears in abusive relationships but also takes place in other contexts.

Can gaslighters be changed? ›

If the gaslighter is willing to be honest with themselves and do the hard work of changing how they interact it's possible to change this behavior. However, if they're unwilling to recognize the pattern then the pattern is unlikely to change.

What are the four types of gaslighting? ›

There are four primary types of gaslighting behaviors: the straight-up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating and coercion.

What happens to victims of gaslighting? ›

The long-term effects of gaslighting often result in the victim believing they have a mental health disorder. This is then likely to have a real impact on their mental health. Feelings of anxiety could get worse over time. Dependency on their abuser might lead to feelings of isolation from friends and family.

Do gaslighters come back? ›

If you don't react or act bored, they will usually leave you alone. Some people try giving a gaslighter "a taste of his own medicine" by yelling and manipulating right back. This can work in the very short term, shocking the gaslighter into silence, but don't be fooled. They'll come back for revenge.

Are gaslighters liars? ›

Lying in gaslighting is intended to make the victim not believe their senses and to doubt themselves. Gaslighters are pathological liars who never back down or change their stories. Even when challenged with proof of their lying, they still plough on and their denials can be very convincing.

How do you hold a gaslighter accountable? ›

THE BASICS
  1. Hold on to what you know is true. ...
  2. Stop and think. ...
  3. Don't tell the gaslighter that they're lying. ...
  4. When you encounter a distortion of the truth aimed at blaming you, declare that you know you're not to blame and won't take responsibility. ...
  5. Approach the gaslighter with a concern directly.
17 Apr 2019

Do gaslighters know they gaslight? ›

The classic gaslighters convince their victims of having hallucinations and becoming mentally unstable. But in the case of unconscious gaslighting, since the gaslighter is unaware of it, they see no reason to change their ways.

How do I stop gaslighting my partner? ›

What to do if you're getting gaslighted
  1. 1) Identify the problem. ...
  2. 2) Sort out truth from distortion. ...
  3. 3) Figure out if you are in a power struggle with your partner. ...
  4. 4) Engage in a mental exercise to encourage a mindset shift: Visualize yourself without the relationship or continuing it at much more of a distance.
3 Jan 2019

How do you end a gaslighting relationship? ›

To help, we asked experts for the exact steps to take and problems to anticipate.
  1. Break up in One Quick Conversation.
  2. Don't Believe Promises To Change.
  3. End All Communication.
  4. Ask Friends To Remind You How Bad Things Were.
  5. Make a List—and Check It in Moments of Doubt.
21 Nov 2018

What does gaslighting sound like? ›

It sounds like you feel strongly about that, and my emotions are valid too” “I feel like I'm not being heard, and I want some space” “I understand that this is what's best for me” or “I know what's best for me” “This is what I want and what I need right now”

How do you deal with toxic friends? ›

Here are four ways to deal with a toxic friend in your life while being respectful and ending all ties without hurting them:
  1. Confront Them About Their Actions & Words.
  2. Have A Conversation.
  3. Take Some Space.
  4. Cut Them Off.
5 Dec 2021

What defines a toxic friendship? ›

“Toxic friendships happen when one person is being emotionally harmed or used by another, making the relationship more of a burden than support,” says Suzanne Degges-White, author of Toxic Friendships. A bad friendship can increase your blood pressure, lower your immunity, and affect your mental health.

How do I know if I'm being gaslit? ›

Am I Being Gaslighted? 15 Relationship Red Flags to be Aware of
  1. Denying even if you have proof. Like we said before, gaslighters will lie and lie and lie even if you have proof that they are lying! ...
  2. They use what you like against you. ...
  3. They tell you you're being crazy. ...
  4. They add in positive reinforcement to confuse you.
1 May 2021

What are the four types of gaslighting? ›

There are four primary types of gaslighting behaviors: the straight-up lie, reality manipulation, scapegoating and coercion.

What are subtle signs of gaslighting? ›

6 Very Subtle Gaslighting Tactics
  • Claiming You Said/Did Something that You Didn't Say/Do. ...
  • Exaggerating About your Behaviour. ...
  • Making Unreasonable Assumptions. ...
  • Dismissing your Legitimate Concerns. ...
  • Criticising the Things You Love. ...
  • Showing you they don't trust you, but still claiming that they do.
20 Jun 2020

How do I know if I was Gaslighted? ›

Look for signs of repeated denial of your experience. 3) Figure out if you are in a power struggle with your partner. If you find yourself having the same conversation over and over again and can't seem to convince them to acknowledge your point of view, you might be getting gaslighted.

What are the 11 signs of gaslighting? ›

👓 11 Warning Signs of Gaslighting | Psychology Today
  • They tell blatant lies.
  • They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof.
  • They use what is near and dear to you as ammunition.
  • They wear you down over time.
  • Their actions do not match their words.
  • They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you.
4 Oct 2018

What is a gaslighter personality? ›

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse in which a person or group causes someone to question their own sanity, memories, or perception of reality. People who experience gaslighting may feel confused, anxious, or as though they cannot trust themselves.

Is gaslighting toxic behavior? ›

Gaslighting, a form of manipulation, is common in many toxic relationships. Learning what gaslighting is can help you recognize toxic, even dangerous, behavior in your relationships.

What is another term for gaslighting? ›

What is another word for gaslighting?
manipulatingtricking
deceivingduping
finaglingfooling
hoodwinkingmisleading
swindlingbamboozling
19 more rows

How do you destroy a gaslighter? ›

The best way to destroy a gaslighter is to appear emotionless. They enjoy getting a rise out of you, so it's frustrating to them when they don't get the reaction they expected. When they realize you don't care anymore, they will likely try convincing you they'll change, but don't fall for it.

Can gaslighting be innocent? ›

Gaslighting is an insidious, but unfortunately, not particularly uncommon, form of emotional abuse. And since subtle forms of gaslighting can often masquerade as being totally innocent, there are times you might not suspect it's happening at all.

Do gaslighters know they are gaslighting? ›

Gaslighting lies on a spectrum. Some gaslighters don't know they're gaslighting and are largely unaware of how their behavior is affecting the other person. But some gaslighters are very well aware of what they are doing, and it is done with intention and without remorse.

Can a gaslighter love you? ›

Gaslighters love to wield your love and affection for them as a weapon against you and will use this phrase to excuse a wide variety of bad behaviors, Stern says. But the bottom line is that you can love someone and be upset about something they did at the same time.

Why do people gaslight? ›

“There are two main reasons why a gaslighter behaves as they do,” Sarkis explains. “It is either a planned effort to gain control and power over another person, or it because someone was raised by a parent or parents who were gaslighters, and they learned these behaviors as a survival mechanism.”

Is it gaslighting to say I'm sorry you feel that way? ›

The “I'm sorry you feel that way” approach, along with avoiding an argument in lieu of admitting fault, is good old fashioned gaslighting.

Videos

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